WARNING: IF YOUR PARTNER ASK YOU TO DO THESE 5 THINGS THEN IT’S TIME TO LEAVE
You want me to do what? Fifty Shades of Gray is a fictional book, not a how-to manual for healthy relationships.
1.DEMAND YOU MAKE A MAJOR LIFE CHANGE
Making comments about the haircut they prefer on you or wishing you’d spend less on comic book memorabilia is one thing. However if your partner is asking you to change major things—your career, your religion, your studies, or other things you consider core parts of your personality—that’s a serious red flag, says Dr.Fran Walfish, PhD, Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, author of The Self-Aware Parent, and co-star of Sex Box on WE tv.
“An important part of being in a successful relationship is to give up trying to control other people, especially your spouse or partner,” she says.
Instead of trying to change you, a good partner will support you in your goals.
And if they do disagree with something serious? A healthy couple will talk it out, either privately or in therapy.
2.GIVE THEM YOUR PHONE PASSCODE
Secrets between partners can be a deal breaker in relationships but that doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to your privacy. This is especially true when it comes to things like your phone and your social media accounts.
“Asking to go through your phone or demanding your passwords is a major boundary violation.”
If your partner feels the need to check your phone or email constantly, then the real problem is that they don’t trust you—and that’s the issue that needs to be addressed. Trust is the foundation of a healthy and respectful relationship.If you don’t have trust then you’re probably with the wrong partner.
3.MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS EXACTLY EQUAL
“There simply are no fifty-fifty splits of responsibility in a great marriage.Great couples learn to sacrifice and serve one another, even if it isn’t totally ‘fair’,” Dr. Walfish says.
In fact, in the best relationships it can be hard to tell who gives more because the partners don’t keep score, she explains. Nothing kills the love like trying to tally up who has more points.
The truth is there will be times, like during a job loss or illness, when you will have to do all the heavy lifting because your partner isn’t able to give anything. But these times generally balance out, with your partner picking up the slack when you need help. The key is that neither complains when it’s their turn to give all.
4.BREAKUP WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND
Your partner may not love, or even like, your sister, your maid of honor, or your childhood friend. But they should still respect your relationship with them. Your partner should never ask you to choose between them and someone else you love or demand that you cut ties with friends or family simply because he or she does not like certain people, says Jennifer C. Walton, Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert.
It’s appropriate for them to tell you their feelings and to point out how they perceive those people to be negatively affecting you. But ultimately the decision of who stays in your life is up to you.
5.FORBID YOU FROM TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING
Whether it’s their mother, their ex, or their Princess Leia fantasies, everyone has difficult topics they’d rather avoid talking about. Avoiding talking about things that affect both people in the relationship can be incredibly damaging, especially if your partner denies your right to your feelings. Your partner should never ask you to not talk about your feelings.
Holding things in is simply toxic while talking things through allows you to get to the root of a problem. Often people see difficult conversations as nagging or button-pushing but that doesn’t mean the conversations shouldn’t happen.
Oh, and your partner should never ask you to “Stop crying” or say things like “You can’t get mad.” Your feelings are your feelings.
